Who Knew it Would Feel Like This?

Today marks my oldest daughter’s 15^th birthday. Celebrating her birthday always makes me so emotional, and I never really understood why until today. I thought it was because she is my 1^st, or because she’s steadily growing up in front of me, but this morning I realized it’s much deeper than that. I realized the emotion tied to her birthday truly marks my growth as a woman, a mother, an over-comer. Having my daughter at 20 years old without having my parents or family around was tough, amid other circumstances I faced, in a place that I didn’t know a whole lot about. I realized today that my daughter grew me up quickly and she grew up with me.

Learning to not take myself and others so seriously has become one of my newest biggest lessons in this life. I find that I frustrate my friends and they to frustrate me and we may even hurt one another’s feelings, without intention, but it has nothing to do with our hearts, but more so our heads. We all process things differently, deal with our issues differently and I am learning to truly accept things for what they are and not get so bent out of shape. Life is too short to become consumed with petty misunderstandings, hurt feelings and egos, this life is about living and loving yourself and every part of your existence.

In my few short years on this earth, I thought I knew what it was to love myself and have joy in my heart, but I have harbored more pain, self-destructing behavior, and more unforgiveness than the average person. This past year I have set myself free from past hurts. I have forgiven the most unforgiving and I have come to terms with a past that most know nothing about, beginning with childhood experiences. Man, I was so uptight, and I have been actively working on loosening up. I hate to be vulnerable, but I am learning I must be, just a little bit. I thought I loved myself all along, but now I know what it truly feels like to love and be in love with this woman that I am. I love writing about my lessons and transitions as a woman, it’s so exhilarating, and if I were a man, I would write about that to (smile). I can pat myself on my back and say, “You ain’t doin half bad Shamina Williams”, and say it proudly and confidently.

Do I still have a few hurdles to overcome, sure, do I still struggle with insecurity, absolutely, but I am so much more confident than I’ve ever been and I never knew loving myself this way would ever feel like this. I am so free, mentally and emotionally; my soul is good and spirituality I can listen with ears I didn’t know I had. Life is good people, so live it without regret, being confident in whom you are and your ability to go as far as your thinking will take you. Believe in yourself and know that any thought that enters your mind can be accomplished. It’s not always about working hard, but working smarter and learning how to love and nurture your mind, body and soul.

Peace and blessings,

Shamina

WOMAN

I've been physically and sexually abused, been stripped of my pride, dignity and even more
slept on mattresses on a bare floor, begged for bread, money, food and more
but I am woman hear me roar
I've been down, but not defeated, heart bruised, shattered in many pieces, but not broken nor downtrodden
lost everything, gained everything, doors shut behind me that were never reopened, pushing me to move forward
I am woman hear me roar
some have attempted to dominate, hate me, slur my name
abandoned me, my child, tears turned into work, a resilience I never knew existed
love exploded out of hurt, hands rough and tough from my labor and work
body aches and pains from the tiredness and strain of holding it all together, but it ain't over yet as there is so much more as I see the day approaching
I am woman hear me roar

Give Some To Yourself

As we bring 2011 to a close, we reflect back on this past year. I'm sure we all have many stories to tell, some that are still unfolding, that we'll take into the new year.  But, as we reflect, as I reflect, I am thinking hard on the things, people, situations I will leave behind in 2011.

The Christmas holiday symbolizes giving, although the media and most of our society has commercialized the season, its still one of my favorites.  We come together, do for others, give to others, and celebrate the birth of our Savior with family and friends.  This past holiday season, I couldn't give much to others that involved monetary gifts, but I always try to give myself to others.  Whether its a meal, hospitality, a prayer, my time, my love, I tried to give something, but I found I didn't give myself much of anything.

So, for the last few days of this wonderful month of December, I will give myself to me, some quiet time, some laughter, some peace, and some happiness, and a whole lot of love.  I will be selfish, I will be uncompromising, I will put myself first, I will do exactly what I want to do for me, myself and I.
So with that, I say, happy holidays and have a wonderful new year!

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

GUESS

I guess its time that I really stop trying, this dating thing that is
I guess its time for me to really give God a chance
Give myself some time for some true healing.
See, I've never really been without a man, or some imitation of someone that resembled something like a man
I guess its time for me to dig deep within
Give my mind some peace and true relaxation, accomplish some things that have been plaguing me.
So, its time to tuck my heart away, hide it from those clones who may be lurking around night and day...
Time to let my soul fly free, become truly excited about being in the midst of me.
Being happy with the woman God has fashioned of me
I guess I've given so much of myself to others, that I haven't given much of anything to me.
So I guess in this season and spirit of giving, I'm giving my heart back to me and will prosper in the things that God has for me.

Get Up From This Place

Hello to you all!  I pray you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and that you were reminded of what you are thankful for.  As we approach a new year, we approach  a new start.  I know there are many of us struggling and dealing with many battles, some financial, some heart matters, for some of us, life is just beating us down and we can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, we can't get our focus off of our problems, it appears that it is just one thing after another.  Well, I am hear to tell you that joy does come in the morning, and it is not as bad as it seems!!!

We all have those moments of despair, wondering why, why, why is this happening to me, why am I here in this place.  For some of us, its the driest season we have ever seen.  But, I have realized the longer you focus on "it", the harder "it" becomes.  Take a moment to reflect on your past, that time when things were really bad before, and reflect on how you ended up on top...it will happen again, but you most do something different.  Its hard to move forward with your plans, dreams and aspirations if you have no tangible plan.  I know this has been a reoccurring theme in my writings lately, but it is so true.  Although the plan you write will be altered, it gives you something to see, to meditate on, to create visible time-lines and actions to complete it all, and it works.  When we keep our plans in our minds, they get lost and tangled up in all the mental clutter and chatter of our everyday lives.

If you want to see things manifest differently in your lives, ask yourself, "What am I doing differently?".  You must do what scares you to death!!!  You must be passionate about whatever it is you want, and you must learn to give, especially to yourself.  Time, resources money, even a smile or a kind word.  You think you got it bad?  Go visit one of your local shelter's and see how bad they got it.  Go visit a mother whose child is missing, hit the streets and try to talk to that young girl who has been tricked into prostitution while her pimp keeps a watchful eye, imagine you were her for just a moment.  Switch your focus, change your circle of friends, get with folks who are doing what you would like to do.  There is so much life to live on this earth, there is so much awaiting to spring forth from your soul to assist another person, there are so many people that are awaiting you, you can't even imagine.  We are to live in heaven on earth, fully, abundantly, prosperously, purposefully.  You can be down, discouraged, but only for a moment, so don't become defeated, change your mindset and renew your mind daily with the thoughts and plans that will help you to arrive at your new destination, which I will call L-O-V-E.  Loving your tests and trials, loving who your are, loving how far you've come, loving the love you give to others.  Operate from that love within and your situation will turnaround immediately...try it and see.

So with this being said, this month I will leave you with a poem by Langston Hughes.

Love, peace, and many blessings,
Shamina

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Hughes, Langston, http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/177021, Web. 29 Nov. 2011.

Learning Lessons

I've heard some where before, 'You will keep receiving the same lesson until you have learned the lesson'. Not certain if it was in church, whether I interpreted this saying from scripture, or was told by a friend or elder, but, its beginning to make since to me now.

During the past few years I have learned many lessons, I have evolved and involved myself more with my personal development and growth, not anyone else. But I still haven't learned how to fully listen to my inner voice. I still haven't learned how to recognize, or maybe I should say, heed the red flags. So, with that being said, I had to re-learn a lesson, or should I say, I am learning another lesson concerning the same issue that showed up previously the past few years.

Lessons are needed for many reasons. Lessons build character; strengthen your faith and your self esteem, lessons, to put it simply, help you grow as a person. It’s definitely a freeing feeling when you’re open and honest with yourself and others. When you share your concerns, especially when it’s done with calmness, peace, love and joy in your heart. I think that too many of us don't tell others how we feel, and it hinders our growth. We make some attempt at masking and ignoring our feelings, just for them to re-surface anyway, so why not get it out. I, know, it sounds simple right.

We compromise to a fault, I know I have. I have compromised my beliefs at times, my heart, my happiness, and my morals. For the sake of any good relationship, compromise is a healthy mechanism of change and growth. But not when you compromise to a fault. I'll be the first to admit my issues, especially now at 34 I recognize where I need improvement, where I need to bend a little more and what my issues are when it comes to sharing my world with another. The areas I refuse to compromise in are the areas of respect and common courtesy, as I see them and how I define them in my life, which may be very different from your definition.

Today, I ask you to heed the red flags that are present in your world, listen to your inner voice and become open and honest with yourself. It’s a liberating feeling. So smile and accept your lesson today and don't have any guilt or second thoughts about a tough decision that may need to be made out of your lesson learned. Change what needs to be change and keep evolving. We must stop depending on our "feelings", stop being ruled by our condition, our state of mind and exhibit that will and determination that we are all born with.

Peace and blessings,

Shamina

Breathe LoveIt’s amazing something so peaceful and surreal can walk into your life so unexpectedly and you flow with it like a crisp Spring Breeze

It’s amazing how you have no worries or fears and everything around you and within you simply tells you to breathe

It was not like a whirl wind, there was no confusion

I was brought to shore I’m sure

It wasn’t all physical, it wasn’t sexual at all

It was so spiritual and mental my ancestors begin to sing inside of me

B-R-E-A-T-H-E L-O-V-E

Copyright © Shamina Nicole Williams, 2011