Who Knew it Would Feel Like This?

Today marks my oldest daughter’s 15^th birthday. Celebrating her birthday always makes me so emotional, and I never really understood why until today. I thought it was because she is my 1^st, or because she’s steadily growing up in front of me, but this morning I realized it’s much deeper than that. I realized the emotion tied to her birthday truly marks my growth as a woman, a mother, an over-comer. Having my daughter at 20 years old without having my parents or family around was tough, amid other circumstances I faced, in a place that I didn’t know a whole lot about. I realized today that my daughter grew me up quickly and she grew up with me.

Learning to not take myself and others so seriously has become one of my newest biggest lessons in this life. I find that I frustrate my friends and they to frustrate me and we may even hurt one another’s feelings, without intention, but it has nothing to do with our hearts, but more so our heads. We all process things differently, deal with our issues differently and I am learning to truly accept things for what they are and not get so bent out of shape. Life is too short to become consumed with petty misunderstandings, hurt feelings and egos, this life is about living and loving yourself and every part of your existence.

In my few short years on this earth, I thought I knew what it was to love myself and have joy in my heart, but I have harbored more pain, self-destructing behavior, and more unforgiveness than the average person. This past year I have set myself free from past hurts. I have forgiven the most unforgiving and I have come to terms with a past that most know nothing about, beginning with childhood experiences. Man, I was so uptight, and I have been actively working on loosening up. I hate to be vulnerable, but I am learning I must be, just a little bit. I thought I loved myself all along, but now I know what it truly feels like to love and be in love with this woman that I am. I love writing about my lessons and transitions as a woman, it’s so exhilarating, and if I were a man, I would write about that to (smile). I can pat myself on my back and say, “You ain’t doin half bad Shamina Williams”, and say it proudly and confidently.

Do I still have a few hurdles to overcome, sure, do I still struggle with insecurity, absolutely, but I am so much more confident than I’ve ever been and I never knew loving myself this way would ever feel like this. I am so free, mentally and emotionally; my soul is good and spirituality I can listen with ears I didn’t know I had. Life is good people, so live it without regret, being confident in whom you are and your ability to go as far as your thinking will take you. Believe in yourself and know that any thought that enters your mind can be accomplished. It’s not always about working hard, but working smarter and learning how to love and nurture your mind, body and soul.

Peace and blessings,

Shamina

WOMAN

I've been physically and sexually abused, been stripped of my pride, dignity and even more
slept on mattresses on a bare floor, begged for bread, money, food and more
but I am woman hear me roar
I've been down, but not defeated, heart bruised, shattered in many pieces, but not broken nor downtrodden
lost everything, gained everything, doors shut behind me that were never reopened, pushing me to move forward
I am woman hear me roar
some have attempted to dominate, hate me, slur my name
abandoned me, my child, tears turned into work, a resilience I never knew existed
love exploded out of hurt, hands rough and tough from my labor and work
body aches and pains from the tiredness and strain of holding it all together, but it ain't over yet as there is so much more as I see the day approaching
I am woman hear me roar

Get Up From This Place

Hello to you all!  I pray you had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday and that you were reminded of what you are thankful for.  As we approach a new year, we approach  a new start.  I know there are many of us struggling and dealing with many battles, some financial, some heart matters, for some of us, life is just beating us down and we can not see the light at the end of the tunnel, we can't get our focus off of our problems, it appears that it is just one thing after another.  Well, I am hear to tell you that joy does come in the morning, and it is not as bad as it seems!!!

We all have those moments of despair, wondering why, why, why is this happening to me, why am I here in this place.  For some of us, its the driest season we have ever seen.  But, I have realized the longer you focus on "it", the harder "it" becomes.  Take a moment to reflect on your past, that time when things were really bad before, and reflect on how you ended up on top...it will happen again, but you most do something different.  Its hard to move forward with your plans, dreams and aspirations if you have no tangible plan.  I know this has been a reoccurring theme in my writings lately, but it is so true.  Although the plan you write will be altered, it gives you something to see, to meditate on, to create visible time-lines and actions to complete it all, and it works.  When we keep our plans in our minds, they get lost and tangled up in all the mental clutter and chatter of our everyday lives.

If you want to see things manifest differently in your lives, ask yourself, "What am I doing differently?".  You must do what scares you to death!!!  You must be passionate about whatever it is you want, and you must learn to give, especially to yourself.  Time, resources money, even a smile or a kind word.  You think you got it bad?  Go visit one of your local shelter's and see how bad they got it.  Go visit a mother whose child is missing, hit the streets and try to talk to that young girl who has been tricked into prostitution while her pimp keeps a watchful eye, imagine you were her for just a moment.  Switch your focus, change your circle of friends, get with folks who are doing what you would like to do.  There is so much life to live on this earth, there is so much awaiting to spring forth from your soul to assist another person, there are so many people that are awaiting you, you can't even imagine.  We are to live in heaven on earth, fully, abundantly, prosperously, purposefully.  You can be down, discouraged, but only for a moment, so don't become defeated, change your mindset and renew your mind daily with the thoughts and plans that will help you to arrive at your new destination, which I will call L-O-V-E.  Loving your tests and trials, loving who your are, loving how far you've come, loving the love you give to others.  Operate from that love within and your situation will turnaround immediately...try it and see.

So with this being said, this month I will leave you with a poem by Langston Hughes.

Love, peace, and many blessings,
Shamina

Mother to Son
by Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Hughes, Langston, http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/177021, Web. 29 Nov. 2011.