Who Knew it Would Feel Like This?

Today marks my oldest daughter’s 15^th birthday. Celebrating her birthday always makes me so emotional, and I never really understood why until today. I thought it was because she is my 1^st, or because she’s steadily growing up in front of me, but this morning I realized it’s much deeper than that. I realized the emotion tied to her birthday truly marks my growth as a woman, a mother, an over-comer. Having my daughter at 20 years old without having my parents or family around was tough, amid other circumstances I faced, in a place that I didn’t know a whole lot about. I realized today that my daughter grew me up quickly and she grew up with me.

Learning to not take myself and others so seriously has become one of my newest biggest lessons in this life. I find that I frustrate my friends and they to frustrate me and we may even hurt one another’s feelings, without intention, but it has nothing to do with our hearts, but more so our heads. We all process things differently, deal with our issues differently and I am learning to truly accept things for what they are and not get so bent out of shape. Life is too short to become consumed with petty misunderstandings, hurt feelings and egos, this life is about living and loving yourself and every part of your existence.

In my few short years on this earth, I thought I knew what it was to love myself and have joy in my heart, but I have harbored more pain, self-destructing behavior, and more unforgiveness than the average person. This past year I have set myself free from past hurts. I have forgiven the most unforgiving and I have come to terms with a past that most know nothing about, beginning with childhood experiences. Man, I was so uptight, and I have been actively working on loosening up. I hate to be vulnerable, but I am learning I must be, just a little bit. I thought I loved myself all along, but now I know what it truly feels like to love and be in love with this woman that I am. I love writing about my lessons and transitions as a woman, it’s so exhilarating, and if I were a man, I would write about that to (smile). I can pat myself on my back and say, “You ain’t doin half bad Shamina Williams”, and say it proudly and confidently.

Do I still have a few hurdles to overcome, sure, do I still struggle with insecurity, absolutely, but I am so much more confident than I’ve ever been and I never knew loving myself this way would ever feel like this. I am so free, mentally and emotionally; my soul is good and spirituality I can listen with ears I didn’t know I had. Life is good people, so live it without regret, being confident in whom you are and your ability to go as far as your thinking will take you. Believe in yourself and know that any thought that enters your mind can be accomplished. It’s not always about working hard, but working smarter and learning how to love and nurture your mind, body and soul.

Peace and blessings,

Shamina

WOMAN

I've been physically and sexually abused, been stripped of my pride, dignity and even more
slept on mattresses on a bare floor, begged for bread, money, food and more
but I am woman hear me roar
I've been down, but not defeated, heart bruised, shattered in many pieces, but not broken nor downtrodden
lost everything, gained everything, doors shut behind me that were never reopened, pushing me to move forward
I am woman hear me roar
some have attempted to dominate, hate me, slur my name
abandoned me, my child, tears turned into work, a resilience I never knew existed
love exploded out of hurt, hands rough and tough from my labor and work
body aches and pains from the tiredness and strain of holding it all together, but it ain't over yet as there is so much more as I see the day approaching
I am woman hear me roar

There Is No Such Thing as the Boogie Man

How are you getting along thus far in this wonderful New Year?  I think I am fairing…trying to stick to the goals I created for myself, consistency is key, that’s a fact! So, when I found that in the past few weeks I have not been consistent, I had to ask myself why.  Some folks believe that there are only two emotions we operate from and they are either love, or fear. Which do you find yourself operating from?

I am noticing that I live in love but often operate out of fear. Fear of failure is what stands out most of all. See, I feel like if I procrastinate long enough, I won’t have to worry about my outcomes. It’s really self-sabotage, and why, because of fear. But if I live in love, don’t I love myself enough to move beyond my fears? This is my biggest challenge and my biggest opposition is myself.

I recently read something in ‘Acts of Faith’ written by Iyanla Vanzant and she stated, “Your chief adversary comes to teach you a lesson. Your most difficult challenge strengthens your survival skills. Your greatest fear deepens your faith .Your weakest ability beckons you to grow.” These sentences rang loudly in my ear, stirred my soul to be quite frank. As a child, there was a time I was afraid of the Boogie Man, but to be honest, I never met him. What often awakened me or kept me from doing things that I was afraid of was most of all, my own consciousness and perceptiveness about certain things, especially darkness. I quickly realized that once a little light was shed, there was no longer darkness, and once I ventured out to doing something I was afraid to do, I quickly realized it was a breeze to accomplish. The only thing that stood in my way was me.

I believe I have been afraid of submitting my book and my work in general, fearing rejection, so I have missed several submission deadlines, sadly. There was an article deadline I needed to meet by the 14^th, and as you can guess, I missed it, but submitted it last night. Not certain if it will be accepted, but it’s time to truly do, to practice what I so often preach and to submit away to see my  first work in print. So here’s to putting the Boogie Man to bed, embracing my fears and not only living, but operating in love, allowing fear to further activate this gift that God has given me, to write and share with you.

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

MY PEN

I thought I would never fully understand how you ended up in my hand

Often stuck inside my brain, never knew my thoughts would transcend to blue black ink

Pages just blank and bare until I put you against my finger tips

Often so long that you left that weird looking dent

 I thought I would never fully understand how you ended up in my hand

Sometimes you would go empty on me and I felt like my thoughts would then evaporate like quicksand

Balled point, fined tipped, felt tip with a grip, who would have thought you were going to be my conduit

Transforming my mental universe into a sea of reading works

I thought I would never understand how you ended up in my hand

My pen, my friend, my never ending stickup man

Here Comes Another One

As we prepare to bring 2012 to a close, I reflect on what a wonderful year this has been for me. Yes, I’ve encountered some tests, but I am still here, living, kicking and loving like never before, and who I loved the most this year was definitely me and my babies. 2012 Was definitely a year of firsts for me. I’ve done things that I had been afraid to attempt in the past, and although everything didn’t work out the way I expected, it worked out all the same. I have learned so much more about the woman that I am and finally learning to trust the process and progression of the development of the woman that I’ve not yet become. I put me, my wants, desires and needs to the forefront of my life and I settled for nothing in 2012.

I’ve learned that there are always issues that arise in our lives, but every issue doesn’t involve lack, struggle or a battle to be fought and won. Some things you simply must bask in the lesson, find peace and let go. Folks will always have an opinion of you, some may even believe they know you a lot better then you know yourself, which is cool, folks are entitled to their opinions. But I have held strong to knowing who I am, my hang-ups, faults, my issues, as we all have them, and I’ve embraced them. I was no victim to any circumstance in 2012 and I have been completely liberated from guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.

This year I landed a new position which I love, working with some great colleagues, full of knowledge, I have finished my first book, awaiting its publication and I have several irons in the fire. Yes, I have much more to work on, but I am here, my children are healthy and I am secure, working towards the dreams that enter my consciousness, asking no one for anything, but tapping into the power that lives in me to will my innermost desires into fruition. Things can only become bigger and brighter in the New Year and I am concentrating on all the good in my life!!!

Happy New Year everyone! Wishing you nothing but peace, joy and many blessings for 2013.

With love and light,
Shamina

More of me…

I am love, I am light, I am blessed, I am smiles, I am butterfly kisses, I am deep, I am sensual, I am a lady, I am hood, I am intelligent…

I am so much more than I give myself credit for!

I am beautiful, inside and out, I am territorial, I protect my den, I am laughter, I am hurt and pain, I am confident, I am a conqueror, I am a queen, I am long legs, fat thighs with pretty lips and a beautiful smile...

I am anger, I am attitude, I am spoiled, I am emotional, I am funny acting, I am standoffish, I am. Simply, I am a lot of things...