This Is War: Love and Lust

As many of you know, I have been on a true journey the past few years. Coming to terms and grips with hurts, addressing more of my past and simply operating in the realms of love and forgiveness, feeling whole and complete within my skin. There will always be a battle to be fought and won and there are times I find myself under attack. In the past, the attack has been on my morality, finances, my spirituality, and now I am battling my mind between this love and lust thing.

There is this saying so many of us use these days to justify behavior, “You only live once”. Yes, this is a true statement, YOLO, so true. But within this statement I find myself telling myself, “You’ve allowed your soul to die once, that’s more than enough.” But temptation can be a mofu!!! While I know exactly what I desire in a mate, when something else is presented to me that I know is no good for me, its becomes war to avoid it at all costs, especially when strong attraction is evident. I battle the shoulds and should nots over and over again in my mind. And now more than ever, I am fully aware of myself, I am present, I see me, I’m connected to me, my feelings, emotions, desires, my yearnings. I am then reminded not to block my blessings.  

I am a Christian, I am a woman, a mother; I am blood pumping and heart beating flesh and regardless of what I presume to know the right course of action to be, what I do know is that holding out for what I truly want, desire need on many levels is not as easy to hold out for. Although, I never thought it would be easy, I also didn’t realize how strong the temptation would be until it presented itself. So yes, this is war for me, this love and lust thing. I am praying hard, speaking into my life, as well as others. Think what you will…but I hope not to succumb to the latter, and that’s real.

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

HE SAID SHE SAID

He said he wanted to smell it

I said put your face in it

He said he wanted to taste it

I said he would need to suck it

He said he wanted to kiss it

I said I want you to lick it

He said he wanted to put his finger in it
I said sure, but hum on it

He said he wanted to squeeze on it

I said nibble on it

He said he wanted to blow on it

I said put sum ice on it, chew sum gum and nibble on it
He said he wanted to watch
I said why not

He said he wanted to tease

I said I wanted to be pleased

He said he wanted to grab and pull

I said I wanted more and more

He said he wanted to hit the floor

I said I couldn't take no more

He said she said and they went they separate ways and slept in their respective beds

Where Life Begins

Another Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and my thoughts are on the mothers who raised me; my biological mother, my grandmother, my aunties and the many older women that have mentored me along the way; they are countless and each hold a special place in my heart. I have been a mother now for 15 years and it is by far the toughest job I’ve been tasked with. It’s also a role that continues to grow me, teach me, strengthen me and motherhood continuously challenges me. I would say the challenges are because I operate a single parent household, but that’s not it. I would say it’s because I’m raising my youngest child whose biological father has abandoned her, but that’s not it either. The challenges come with raising children to respect, honor and love themselves and others unconditionally; not allowing anyone to take advantage of them. The challenges come from making sure that they are well educated, active and occupied. The challenges come from ensuring that they are safe, healthy and supported. The challenges come from trying to be the best possible parent to them that we know how, while coping with our own unresolved issues.

My thoughts are also on the many fathers that are raising children where the mothers are absent, the fathers that struggle with grooming their little girl’s hair, but try they best and keep it moving. My thoughts are on countless grandparents raising children, hats off to you. My thoughts are on the women whom lost their children in the womb, after birth and to the streets, my heart cries out with yours. Raising children takes conscious effort; it’s a testament to our unselfishness as parents; putting their needs before our own.

The past few weeks I’ve been quiet and I can’t put my finger on it. My mood has been slightly pensive, in a good way. As a mother, I miss the mark often and I’ve been exploring two very tough questions that I never thought to ask myself before; “What did I miss and How did I miss it,” relating to several situations that caused me pain beyond belief. Maybe these questions have caused my quietness. Some of us love to criticize our peers concerning the way we raise our children, but truth be told, not one of us have any room to do so, which doesn’t stop us, but we need to be careful about that. We all do our best and sometimes our best isn’t good enough and that’s just the reality of it all. In exploring the “what did I miss and how” I hope to become enlightened, recognizing what do to differently next time, that’s all I can do.

This mother’s day, send love and light to the many mothers you know, the many fathers you know raising children without the help of the mother, your aunts, grandmothers, and your sister friends; especially those who are hoping to conceive.

Wishing you a very special and hopeful mother’s day, with love,

~Shamina

THE RHYTHM

The rhythm is in my being

Wrapped up in every fiber I was created with

My womb was created to procreate 

What’s between my inner thighs is more than an opening for you to come inside

The rhythm was placed in my bosom

Hearty 

Beating 

Blood pumping to be a mother

Not for you to use and abuse

My soul was not for me to taint with distasteful morality

The rhythm is in my innateness to nurture

To love unconditionally trusting blindly

Sexed to oblivion and left with resentment stained on my sheets

Savaged violently as if I were a piece of meat

The rhythm lies in my throne to which I am queen

Esteemed with royalty and crowned

You were dethroned as I’ve come into my own

Kingdom of motherhood I own

Bitter With the Sweet

There’s this saying, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”, I’m sure your fully aware of this saying. My question is do you make lemons or lemonade? I think it’s easy to become negative, get down on yourself and take on the “woe is me” attitude, but does that make you feel better about yourself? Well, for me it did not. I recall the days all too well when I was that girl. I felt as if I couldn’t get a break. I had to contend with so much so often that I didn’t even realize my role in my own unhappiness.

I’ve found that exerting positivity can sometimes take a little more work and effort than its counterpart, but it’s truly worth the effort. I now surround myself with positive people, affirmations, literature and most importantly in my world, the word of God. I’m mindful of what I feed myself, even when it comes to music and what I watch on television. I make a conscious effort to accentuate my happy place these days and I focus on the day, not my past and not what’s to come, making sure I plan for the best outcomes in all situations, as best I can.

There are days where I still struggle with finding my happy. I especially struggle when I feel like situations converge upon me in a day or a few days’ time, but I quickly go “inside” of myself and find that place of peace and happiness. I’ve discovered life is too short to give so much energy and power to the latter. All I know how to do these days is be a positive and upbeat person; I refuse to be anything else. And I so thank the angels that God has placed upon my path to water and grow me into this being. If I hadn’t had the same, I’m not sure of the person I would have become.

There are time I also become distant, I withdraw and retreat quickly these days from situations that are not bringing me life, that are not feeding my soul in a good and positive way, again, I’ve spent too much time being down on myself and exuding a negative countenance. I’ve learned how to accept the bitter with the sweet, it’s a part of life, part of growing pains, so I choose not to worry and be happy in it all!

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

My Happy

Ocean sprays, sun hung low, kissing and hugging my skin, creating glittering beads of sweat

Children laughing and playing, couples holding hands and beach strolling

Melodic tunes being orchestrated by huge waves, seagulls and folks all around, kites being flown

Huge clouds above me dancing a waltz

Electric sensations make my awareness seem cosmic like

I’m floating on air, calm and cool and my worries have been overtaken and subdued.

Take a listen to my theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6ZjBPXSmnE