Growth

Well, it's me again! I know it has been awhile and I apologize for the delay. You know, I think I can safely say, we all wish we didn't encounter certain storms along our beautiful journey through this place called life. Life means living, which indicates growth. In order to grow, things must be planted, watered, often times rooted, re-potted, simply cared for and tended to. There are also times where some things simply die and pass away.

Last year I was given three plants, two of which were attached with notes, "If you kill this I can make you famous", and the other "You have just received God's gift". I must admit, I in no way have a green thumb, but all three plants are alive and doing pretty well. One, and African Begonia, I love it, I don't have to do much to it, simply water it every once in a while, turn the pot and make sure it sits in my dining room window where it is kissed by the sun daily. The other is a Peace Lilly, I had to add more soil to it and pay special attention to it this past weekend a sit was dying, and I saw that it was dying, but it is alive. I had seen that it was struggling the past few weeks, but I didn't feel like bothering with it, but on yesterday I did, and it made me feel good. I felt good because I made a conscious decision, putting forth energies that I didn't necessarily want to because I didn't feel like it, but at the same time I didn't want it to die. The third plant I don't know the name of, but I gave it some special attention also. I realized it needed water a a bit more soil to cover up some of the exposed root, so I cared for it. I took the time to care for these plants this past weekend in a way that I hadn't before, because I care.

We are note given a road map to this thing called life. We aren't given the secrets to the success of surviving it, living it to the fullest, but what we have been given are guides, mentors, many people who thrive producing self-help literature. We are given our minds, miraculous and beautiful, full of many thoughts. We must care for our minds, exercising it, controlling what we allow to enter it. We must pluck weeds from time to time, we must accept new information and let old information die at times, we must make room for it to grow and gain new knowledge and experiences. Especially when we think we don't care, especially when we want to be selfish and not regard anyone elses feelings before we speak or act.

As imperfect beings, we always want to think that our way is the right way, that our way of thinking is the best, but we are often proven wrong, because we are not perfect. We plan and set things in motion, just to be reminded that the course can change at any given time. I am learning that if there was one way to think, one way to act, one way to do, God would have given us all our own little state or continent and He would not have given us companionship and relationships. He would not have created the woman with a womb to create life.

We are all here to work together, to grow together, to nurture and help one another grow, love, laugh, cry, assist, co-exist. Why, because we can not do it alone, we can not grow without caring for another individual. We can not grow without accepting that there must be change in-order to do so. WE must continue to evolve and be involved positively with what's going on around us. We can not be afraid, ashamed of sharing our past experiences if we know it'll help another person.

Everyone has been given their share of storms, their share of demons to conquer and overcome, their share of horrible, "why the hell is this happening to me" experiences, their share of loss. Some of us are still dealing and battling with some of our demons. The good thing is, we have survived. But in surviving, I pray that we are learning, growing, listening and nurturing our spirits. Stop taking for granted common care and concern for others wants, needs and feelings. Start watering the seeds around you, watering the plants in front of you, adding fresh soil to some of the plants you have started taking for granted so that your garden can grow positively, reciprocating the same for you.

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

Thinking


I’m sitting, listening to the sounds around me
Sitting still and peaceful like an owl watching out for his night’s prey
Sitting still, thinking, of all my wants and wishes, some of which I thought I had let slip away

The quiet, the peace, its music to my ears…almost virgin as I use to fear the total peace and quite of my innermost thoughts
Connecting with my soul and binding up all negative thoughts
Some of which were hidden fears, silent cries and tears
Others of conquer, conquest and making a difference in another’s life
Closing my eyes, breathing deep, with every inhale speaking “Be still” and with every exhale “Know that I am God”

There are so many wonders, so many treasures hidden in a day, just take a moment to be still, listen, and enjoy the night turning into day

Read to an elder that has lost his sight, have a conversation with a mother whose 93 and gain some insight
Help a kid with homework whose parents are overworked and underpaid, whose not home in time to play mother/father and maid
Take clothes to the women’s shelter and share a word of conquering and overcoming a situation that has a young lady dismayed

Sit still, hear your thoughts and dreams and bring them into fruition with full pride and self-esteem

What’s most rewarding about sitting still is the fact that you have tomorrow to do it all again

Keeping It Real

The past few weeks I have had tons of thoughts running through my mind concerning relationships, my purpose, my career, my children and how to be the best possible parent that I can be. What has resonated in my mind is the discontent I feel when I am associated with individuals who are PHONY. Individuals who put on masks for the world, not truly knowing who they are, or simply haven't admitted to themselves who they are. Those that feel, for whatever reason, that I am not doing my best, who feel that they can do better.

My children are as real as it gets! There is nothing fake about them, unless my 12 year old complains her arm is about to fall off because of a mosquito bite that seems a little more larger than normal, and the 14 month old, well, she runs me, but she is learning now that there are boundaries and repercussions to some of her actions. But again, they are as real as it gets. They don't think that they are better than any one else, they aren't one way at home, and then another way at school, they are who they are.

I try my best to be as real as I can with God, myself, and others that I interact with, whether its personal, business or otherwise. The thing is, I confess my unadulterated self to God daily, something I don't do with all of whom I may interact with at a given time. But, my true friends, those I consider TRUE friends, know me, almost as well as I know myself. I keep it real, I'm pretty upfront and I wear my feelings on my sleeves, especially if I am hurt. I've been told by a few that I run my mouth too much, which is probably true. But not at the expense of the friendship. I would never intentionally betray my friends confidence, I would never share the secrets they entrust to me with another person, especially not doing so to defame their character nor to make myself appear to look like a better person than that individual and definitely not in judgement.

I am sure you can sense a tenseness or borderline anger in my words, or maybe you don't, but I have truly been irritated and aggravated by individuals the past few weeks who may have undermined my intelligence, who lacked the courage and the professionalism to keep it real with me. I consider myself a pretty open minded individual, one who can accept constructive criticisms, one who learns from my mistakes. What I am not, is a fake, especially not a phony!
I have not always been the best person or the best friend, I have been a person who lacked integrity, not realizing my worth as a woman and I can ADMIT it! But I thank God for what He is showing me now and I know the best is yet to come.

I have been through many ups and downs with friendships, jobs, and personal relationships that helped me realize the type of person that I was and who I am constantly working at becoming. KNOWING who I never want to be again and knowing what I never want to become. What is so real about discovering who you are is that you first have to admit who you are, and who you were, to God and yourself. Then once you feel comfortable enough with someone that you trust, you can then share with others. Be real with yourself, learn yourself, stop hiding from the world and putting on airs, wearing all these masks. Tap into yourself, loving yourself and discover your true talents, your wants your needs and stop trying to make yourself look good while bashing others. The more you keep trying to throw folks under a bus while not looking while you cross the street, the more your going to find that you are the one under the bus!

I am so happy to say I love my life!! I love where I am, who I am, where I am going and it feels great. I love my haters, my nay sayers, those that laugh with me then talk about me in a way that is not lifting of me and my family. I say to you, find yourself, confess who you are and who you were. None of us are perfect and we all have a past with many blemishes, so don't attempt to judge another unless you have taken a long look at yourself, past, present and future. My last advice is to be kind to your self and others, especially when you think no one is looking or listening. Remember, what's done in the dark always come to light!

Fully Aware

I am fully aware of the state I’m currently in
I am fully aware of the skin I’m in
I am fully aware of my financial status
I am fully aware that I am a mom and my name ain’t Gladys
I am fully aware of what it means to be desperate
I am fully aware that I’m not married
I am fully aware that loneliness is a state of mind
I am fully aware that I can do better
I am fully aware that I need some help
I am fully aware that I can not give up
I am fully aware that a day comes and goes
I am fully aware that you shouldn’t waste time on yesterday’s woes
I am fully aware that I can do anything
I am fully aware that I can create a plan and follow it
I am fully aware that my eyes and ears need to be open and my mouth needs to be shut
I am fully aware of all the feelings in my gut
I am fully aware that I will overcome, conquer and love will take over and run my mind

With love always,

Shamina

Matters of The Heart

I thought about writing last week, but didn't want to write about any "heart matters". For some reason, I thought there was not enough substance in heart matters and that maybe some individuals were sick of listening and pondering "heart matters". Well, guess what, matters of the heart is what makes this world go round! Out of heart matters arise growth, compassion, break through, and most importantly, acts of kindness and servitude.

This week there has been allegations bought against a few well known men, Bishop Eddie Long, and Jesse Jackson, Jr., allegations of secret lives and unfavorable behavior. The most disturbing story I heard this week was concerning a father who strangled his four year old son to death, hurt another one of his children and then attempted suicide, all while a grandparent was in the home. These story's troubled me for many reasons, first being, what are we teaching our children? Where are our standards, our morality, our compassion for others? "The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children", Dietrich Bonhoeffer, German Protestant theologian & anti-Nazi activist (1906 - 1945).

We must raise our children with certain standards, teaching them early about what is good touch and what is bad touch. Teaching them and being an example of what a good person is and how they should conduct themselves. It all starts with raising our children with great standards, values, morals and giving them the opportunity to share their feelings at all costs. Keeping in mind that we were all children once, and we didn't always do as we were told, still don't as grown adults, but making sure we protect and educate our kids as best we can as to the dangers of this word, letting them know that we are accountable for our actions, and all actions will produce an outcome, whether favorable or unfavorable.

There is so much on my mind, so much so, that I can't convey my thoughts in such away that will capture all that is on my mind today. I just know that I am in deep thought, asking God for His direction and clarity in raising my children and being the best Woman in His kingdom that I can be, showing Him gratitude for where I am today and for where He is taking me.

So, today, I leave you with this piece:

Where Are My Words

Where are my words?
Are they lost in my soul or bound up in many different worlds
The worlds of my forefathers, my ancestors…Bound up in time that has past
My childhood, my youth…the pain of so many untold truths.
Where are my words?
Are they written on my heart, stuck and implanted in my unspoken thoughts
Lost in the treasures of my forgotten, tossed to the side unclaimed high school treasures, that no one cared to measure the importance of.
Where are my words?
Are they left behind with the anger of my unapologetic mother… my confused twisted older brother or with the sons of mothers who dehumanized a perfect little sister soldier
Where are my words?
Are they hiding in my pain, covering up what should have not been my shame, unexplained to those who inflicted the pain.
Where are my words?
Are they with my Heavenly Father during my prayers, during my conversations said boldly with confirmation, affirming that I am healed, bold, courageous, prosperous and worth more than 24 karat gold…more than all the rubies and unclaimed stones of this earth.
I ask, where are my words?
Are they with my new lover, my friendships of my true blue die hard sisters, my daughter who I try to keep in line and in order, or my father who has always been a father, but not always the best provider.
Where are my words?
Are they with the geese whom just took flight, the dogs who are strays, surviving with all their might, my people, places and things who are lost and without sight.
Where are my words…where are my words? I ask again, where are my words?
Are they out in the air on a cold brisk winters night, speaking to my homeless brothers and sisters of the night, the pimps, prostitutes, alcoholics, drug dealers and drug abusers, running from those elusive demons…
Are they with my single unwed mothers, my brothers locked up for one reason or another, my people who have lost their father’s and or mothers and other loved ones, my youth who have lost their direction and guidance, missing the opportunity to truly experience what it is like to be cool and not act like uneducated fools.
Are they wrapped up in wisdom waiting to spring forth and become a force, make a difference in this world…sitting with my grandmother and elders who helped build this nation.
Where are my words?

Shamina~

Fostering Healthy Relationships

Have you ever held on to friendships that you knew were not healthy for you? Keeping that friend around whose always negative, the friend that makes you feel bad about the poor decisions you've made, the friend who judges everyone and everything around you. Have you held onto those friendships that do not help you grow in any way, the ones that make you feel like you are being used? I know I have many days.

I can admit that I am not a good friend on many levels. I often forget birthdays, I hardly ever send gifts or cards. It's not that I don't think about it, lately, I simply haven't had the funds to do so, or that may be an excuse on my part. I simply haven't made the time or effort to make it a priority. However, my friends know that I love them and care about them and I express it in many ways. I am just trying to do better at tapping into their love language.

You know, there are friendships that end on their own, they may have only been for a season, and hopefully you learned from them and grew from them, using them to enhance future friendships or strengthen your current ones. Over the past few years I have endured some ups and many downs with those I considered to be a "friend". One of my girl scout songs just popped into my head, "Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold."

I have learned that most relationships will change and there are many dynamics to maintaining a healthy one. I have learned that I can love you from a distance because people change. Needs and wants change. I can love you and you don't have to be apart of my immediate circle and know every intricate detail of what's going on in my little ole world, the new and old.

I am challenging myself to make my friends more of a priority, to become aware of their needs and to show my care and concern in more ways, thinking of them first. Those I need to feed with a long handled spoon for whatever reason, I will, for my sanity, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you, just loving you different from before.

So today and everyday, I will foster healthly relationships with my friends and family, tapping into their love language and giving a little more of what they may need from me, even if that means keeping my distance. I will also keep myself open to the possibility of meeting new and different friends, ones who will teach me new lessons during this journey of life that will further enhance my character and to help me to become a better person and friend.

Smiles,
Shamina

Meet and Greet

You never know what God has in store for you.
New friends, new acquaintances, new relationships to be formed.

We’re at a meet and greet, and all of our spirits seem to be at peace…in a different place, different space, different secrets to keep.

Bought together by chance, our femininity intertwined in a dance of fellowship, laughter and stories of true blue survival.

All shapes, all sizes, all prizes in our own right! The meet and greet…we’re not here all soft and sweet. We’re here, open, honest and sharing our defeats, our conquest, our war scars.

The meet and greet. I had some reservations; some hesitations because I didn’t know who I was gonna meet.

All queens, black beauties in our glory, sittin back, chillin sharing our stories…knowledge…making things solid. The meet and greet!!!

How Successful Are You

How do you measure success? I feel, at many times, that I am not successful. But how do I measure my success? Is it by the amount of money I have in my bank account, or is by counting my failures, or is it knowing that I am not where I was 10 years ago. Do I measure it by allowing that thought that has been gnawing at my spirit that, I haven't attained that which I thought I would have by now, drive me not to act? That's my mind speaking against my inner self.

I have learned recently, that my motivation and my drive to be successful has taken a back seat. Seems as if I am simply going through the motions. I have recognized this because over the past 6 years, I have not been a finisher. I start and stop school, but I have not finished... I start jobs, but have no longevity, I have started an anthology of poetry that still isn't complete. I've noticed the closer I get to attaining my innermost desires and dreams, opposition hits the hardest. I know that there is a strength in me that knows that I can do all things...but I must "DO".

I say all this to say, that no matter what it looks like, no matter the number of failures, I am going to start one project at a time and finish it, see it through till the end. Failure is a part of success, but we must be careful with our thoughts. When it looks as if you can't, tell the opposition you will. It's more than having an "I can" attitude. You must have an "I will" mentality, no matter what the adversity may be. Knowing that the closer you get to fulfilling your purpose, the more opposition will be thrown your way. So prepare your mind for the fight, because it's never a a physical thing, simply a mind thing.

I am in active pursuit to finish the things that I have started, finding peace and fulfilment in those things. Is not about money, although I want an abundance of it. It's not about fame or recognition. It's a bout a desire to share, support and help others that may be where I was, and how to overcome and consistently and constantly reinvent yourself through dedication and focus.

So today, I am going to do and continue to surround myself with individuals that 'do'!!! And I pose the question to you to ponder, how successful are you?
Poem for today:

Standing Still

Everything is passing me by. The excitement of spring, which I love so dearly, the eventfulness of the summer and its sun, which I bask in, the winds of fall leaning into winter.
It’s been passing me by for the past two years and I fear that it will go on forever.
You know…standing still. Me standing still….
I love the summer blue skies and the beautiful butterflies,
The fall and winter midnight blue skies, some nights so clear you can see the ocean.
But it’s morning before I can sit on my porch and revel in these sites
The winter winds, brisk and cold,
Fresh air I want to stand and breathe it all in to see if any snow is coming.
But I can’t. I am standing still.
While all of life and its wonders are passing me by.
While time is ticking and Monday becomes Sunday after Sunday becomes Monday for me, because …I am standing still.
I can’t stand still too much longer, because something or someone is going to knock me down…
If I am still standing still.

Lovingly,
Shamina

Thoughts?: Self Reflection

Thoughts?: Self Reflection: "The world around us is constantly changing, which means, we as individuals are always changing and evolving. I have thought about the past 1..."

Self Reflection

The world around us is constantly changing, which means, we as individuals are always changing and evolving. I have thought about the past 10 years of my life and I see some growth, and most definitely some stagnation. It's shocking to admit, but, I have allowed relationships to dictate my emotional and spiritual well being for quite some time. I have allowed unhealthy relationships, fear, and others realities to become my own. Not knowing who I was, not owning the greatness that God placed in me, allowing myself to have low self-esteem.

On yesterday, the death of the teens in Shreveport, Louisiana provoked thought. Statistics states that Black Americans have a fear of water, most perceive swimming as something only White Americans do, or because swim lessons are too expensive for some black families, they choose not to receive swim lesson. These things made me wonder again, what I am doing for my community.

I have been a poet since age 11. Didn't recognize it at first. After age 18 I didn't write my first poem again until about age 26/27. I now know that I am a poet, that I have a word for women, youth and my peers. It has been placed on my spirit to share my many war scars with women, and help rebuild inner city communities by providing a place where children, women and families can participate in a plethora of activities and have thriving community centers in their neighborhoods.

I say all this to say, that in my self reflection, I am challenging myself to do more. To actually do! To write, to volunteer, to share my story, my craft and my time in hopes to create a change in the mind set and culture of some of our people. I know who I am, where I am going, setting a better example for my biological children.

Today, I leave you with this poem:

I Wish They Were All My Babies

Look at all those babies, being raised and not raised by babies.
Two pulling at her legs and one is in her belly and I don’t see a daddy anywhere around.
Lil boy with a gold nugget in his ear and braids going all through his head, lil wife beater and shit.
I don’t understand this entire cycle we’re in. As a people, what do we do? I didn’t boo Bill Cosby, what about you?

Pants sagging off their asses, and all this junk hanging round their neck and they have the audacity to walk cross my block smoking a blunt. Go in front of your house and do that mess!

Yeah, I yelled at them, but then I became fearful, thought to myself, these young boys could be packin.

Lil grown ass girls, thinking they know more than me. I try to talk to em you know. I see them outside. Shirt too tight, skirt way too short. Hell, her breast are bigger than mine. Lil sis, be careful, what they don’t see they surely can’t miss, and he most definitely wouldn’t have you out here trying to resist him. Your putting it all out there for him is what he’s thinking. You’re my young sisters. I’m trying to help you become aware, baby, that this life ain’t gravy. Respect yourself sisters.

But, they have their noses up in the air at me. They don’t care what I’m trying to say, because their momma’s are probably the same way, doin the same thing.

I would like to gather all my young brothers and sisters to let them know that the images they consistently see are not really those of you and me. Come see me every Wednesday and I will show you and tell you what it really means to be young and free. I will liberate your mind and show you a world of non-conformity.

I was a baby you see, a lil young sister myself, still in some ways that I can see. Plus I have a baby who watches me, and I’m not married you see.

Come my babies and learn with me. Know that your are bright, intelligent and the leaders of our upcoming generation, and with your ambition and skills directed in the right way, you can become more than anyone ever thought you could be and you will realize that death and prison are not options you see!

Come my babies and learn with me.

written by Shamina N. Williams
© 7/20/2004

Intimate Thoughts - L-O-V-E

At 33 I am really learning what it means to sacrifice. I thought when I made the decision to have children, I sacrificed my time. But now, engaged, for the second time, I am learning what it means to truly sacrifice. I am learning that sometimes I have to do what I don't want to do in order to please my partner. Sacrifice doesn't mean being unhappy, it doesn't mean neglecting your needs, but it does mean being in-tuned to the needs of your mate and immediate family. But at the same time, you should only do those things that feel right to you. I am learning to compromise, and I am learning how to truly place another person's wants and desires before my own, other than my children.

In the past, I have found this to be difficult. Letting go of my single minded thinking, accepting and knowing that I am no longer single, but I have a life partner. Some days are tougher than others, and other days, seems as if the tough never existed. I truly love who I am, where I am and loving what lies ahead. There is nothing better in this world than loving and being loved unconditionally.

So, today, I say to you, intimately, love God, yourself, your partner, your children, your family, your work. Love every single minute of every single day you are granted, and know that sacrifice is a part of it.

Peace and Blessing,
Shamina

Inner city

I recently visited my hometown, Chester, PA during the 4Th. I had a wonderful time catching up with family and friends who are like family. I learned that there was a curfew set in place for all residents because of the violence that was taking place, mainly shootings and killings. I traveled with my children, both female, 12 and 11 months old. I thought about my upbringing and the fact that I survived and graduated high school here, but I am wondering...what is it that our youth is missing, and why we can't connect or relate to them, reach them?

We ask is it the music, the parents, the community. It's probably a culmination of things. But how do we reach our youth, where does it start, and how?

These kids have no clue about the possibilities that are beyond the street corners and illegal hand guns, the narcotics. And what do we do about our young ladies that follow them, have babies with them?

Let's talk about it?