Comes To Light

I can't believe it has been two years since I've posted..But I'm baaaaack, and guess what...

I can breathe!!! I am whole, complete, free and comfortable in my skin. I’ve learned that life is about experiences, learning lessons, some of them very hard and re-occurring until you actually L-E-A-R-N what’s meant for you to learn. During my life lessons class, I’ve often missed the mark, understanding things later rather than sooner, and during this process there are people I’ve hurt, taken for granted, or simply exhibited a selfishness that was inexcusable. But my life class is very different form yours and I have learned we can not assume anything. Tell people exactly what you want and what you need from them. Never assume someone knows what you want or need from them.

Opportune timing looks different for everyone, and because of this, opportunities are missed and over looked, but, hindsight gives your foresight and I have no regrets. The last five years I have experienced tremendous pains, hurts and growth within my life class and there were many whom helped me along the way during this journey. Again, I know there are many folks I’ve hurt during this journey, and I’m truly sorry for this. I’m open and honest enough to address people directly, humbly, exhibiting a vulnerability that I never knew I would reach. I cry, experience pain and disappointment, but I also know I will recover, learn and keep it pushing. Finally breathing, accepting, loving and changing the things I’ve done in the past that I’m not so proud of. Continuously growing, becoming a  better me.

Grace echoes in my belly, grace, God’s grace, and I am learning how to exhibit the kind of grace that God grants me. The grace I give myself when I notice my many flaws and imperfections, giving this same grace to those whom hurt me, deceived me, even those who misguidedly loved me,  or loved me with an expectation all their own, expecting something more in return, expecting something that I didn’t have to offer, and even those whom loved me in a way I didn’t recognize as love. Grace for me missing the mark, for not being there when friends needed me the most, grace for the times I had nothing to offer to those who wanted to give me the world, grace for my heart that was cold as ice that many never got close to thawing and grace for those whom taught me it was ok to love and how to let go and be vulnerable, accepting me as I was.

What’s meant to be will be, friendships, intimate relationships, careers, realizing some things are for a reason a season or a lifetime, but I appreciate it all. I thank God not only for open doors but for closed doors too. Because I can breathe!!! I am whole, complete, free and comfortable in my skin, for the very first time. And I thank God for those whom love me still, especially when I wasn't so lovable.

Once again, I’m sorry! I’m sorry for the times you needed me and I wasn’t there, I’m sorry for not loving you the way you needed me to, I’m sorry for taking you for granted, for under-appreciating you, I’m sorry for not showing you how greatly I loved you and appreciated you the most and I’m sorry for being beautifully human and perfectly imperfect.

I’ll forever be on this journey of becoming the best possible me, discovering many more ways to live this life to the fullest, enduring the lows and enjoying and being thankful for the many highs.

Peace, love and many blessings, yours truly,

~Shamina

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypGJtxciIVM Take a listen...

I wanna know what you need from me

Be selfless and all indulgent of you and only you

Know that at the end of the day I catered to you, made you smile filled the hollowed parts of your eyes

I wanna see me dancing like starlight in your gaze

I wanna meet the needs that you've told me you have, pick up on those you haven't verbalized

I wanna know how you felt when hurt found it's way to you, every time disappointment showed up and turned you away

I wanna know how to love you expecting nothing in return 

For the first time I want it to be all about you, not I 

This Is War: Love and Lust

As many of you know, I have been on a true journey the past few years. Coming to terms and grips with hurts, addressing more of my past and simply operating in the realms of love and forgiveness, feeling whole and complete within my skin. There will always be a battle to be fought and won and there are times I find myself under attack. In the past, the attack has been on my morality, finances, my spirituality, and now I am battling my mind between this love and lust thing.

There is this saying so many of us use these days to justify behavior, “You only live once”. Yes, this is a true statement, YOLO, so true. But within this statement I find myself telling myself, “You’ve allowed your soul to die once, that’s more than enough.” But temptation can be a mofu!!! While I know exactly what I desire in a mate, when something else is presented to me that I know is no good for me, its becomes war to avoid it at all costs, especially when strong attraction is evident. I battle the shoulds and should nots over and over again in my mind. And now more than ever, I am fully aware of myself, I am present, I see me, I’m connected to me, my feelings, emotions, desires, my yearnings. I am then reminded not to block my blessings.  

I am a Christian, I am a woman, a mother; I am blood pumping and heart beating flesh and regardless of what I presume to know the right course of action to be, what I do know is that holding out for what I truly want, desire need on many levels is not as easy to hold out for. Although, I never thought it would be easy, I also didn’t realize how strong the temptation would be until it presented itself. So yes, this is war for me, this love and lust thing. I am praying hard, speaking into my life, as well as others. Think what you will…but I hope not to succumb to the latter, and that’s real.

Peace and blessings,
Shamina

HE SAID SHE SAID

He said he wanted to smell it

I said put your face in it

He said he wanted to taste it

I said he would need to suck it

He said he wanted to kiss it

I said I want you to lick it

He said he wanted to put his finger in it
I said sure, but hum on it

He said he wanted to squeeze on it

I said nibble on it

He said he wanted to blow on it

I said put sum ice on it, chew sum gum and nibble on it
He said he wanted to watch
I said why not

He said he wanted to tease

I said I wanted to be pleased

He said he wanted to grab and pull

I said I wanted more and more

He said he wanted to hit the floor

I said I couldn't take no more

He said she said and they went they separate ways and slept in their respective beds

Where Life Begins

Another Mother’s Day is quickly approaching and my thoughts are on the mothers who raised me; my biological mother, my grandmother, my aunties and the many older women that have mentored me along the way; they are countless and each hold a special place in my heart. I have been a mother now for 15 years and it is by far the toughest job I’ve been tasked with. It’s also a role that continues to grow me, teach me, strengthen me and motherhood continuously challenges me. I would say the challenges are because I operate a single parent household, but that’s not it. I would say it’s because I’m raising my youngest child whose biological father has abandoned her, but that’s not it either. The challenges come with raising children to respect, honor and love themselves and others unconditionally; not allowing anyone to take advantage of them. The challenges come from making sure that they are well educated, active and occupied. The challenges come from ensuring that they are safe, healthy and supported. The challenges come from trying to be the best possible parent to them that we know how, while coping with our own unresolved issues.

My thoughts are also on the many fathers that are raising children where the mothers are absent, the fathers that struggle with grooming their little girl’s hair, but try they best and keep it moving. My thoughts are on countless grandparents raising children, hats off to you. My thoughts are on the women whom lost their children in the womb, after birth and to the streets, my heart cries out with yours. Raising children takes conscious effort; it’s a testament to our unselfishness as parents; putting their needs before our own.

The past few weeks I’ve been quiet and I can’t put my finger on it. My mood has been slightly pensive, in a good way. As a mother, I miss the mark often and I’ve been exploring two very tough questions that I never thought to ask myself before; “What did I miss and How did I miss it,” relating to several situations that caused me pain beyond belief. Maybe these questions have caused my quietness. Some of us love to criticize our peers concerning the way we raise our children, but truth be told, not one of us have any room to do so, which doesn’t stop us, but we need to be careful about that. We all do our best and sometimes our best isn’t good enough and that’s just the reality of it all. In exploring the “what did I miss and how” I hope to become enlightened, recognizing what do to differently next time, that’s all I can do.

This mother’s day, send love and light to the many mothers you know, the many fathers you know raising children without the help of the mother, your aunts, grandmothers, and your sister friends; especially those who are hoping to conceive.

Wishing you a very special and hopeful mother’s day, with love,

~Shamina

THE RHYTHM

The rhythm is in my being

Wrapped up in every fiber I was created with

My womb was created to procreate 

What’s between my inner thighs is more than an opening for you to come inside

The rhythm was placed in my bosom

Hearty 

Beating 

Blood pumping to be a mother

Not for you to use and abuse

My soul was not for me to taint with distasteful morality

The rhythm is in my innateness to nurture

To love unconditionally trusting blindly

Sexed to oblivion and left with resentment stained on my sheets

Savaged violently as if I were a piece of meat

The rhythm lies in my throne to which I am queen

Esteemed with royalty and crowned

You were dethroned as I’ve come into my own

Kingdom of motherhood I own